To Understand Faith, You Need To Question Everything.

When I was growing up,  pastors would say that you should never question your faith.

Questioning things was considered bad. Because that meant you didn't really believe. Even back then, that didn't sit well with me. I couldn't articulate why, but I felt that was wrong. So, if I just ask a question about God or about faith in general, then my faith would be shattered? How brittle and weak is faith if it can't hold up to any questions?

And this line of thinking wasn't just a one-off sermon. It was said in different sermons, multiple times. Each time my frown deepened. Maybe it was a rebellious thing. Maybe I was just being a teenager, and as soon as you tell me not to do something, then I want to do it. But it did feel like more  than that. It still bothers me to this day. And I am definitely, no-where-near being a teenager anymore.

Maybe it was one of the many things that made me turn away from the church and from God. I can't pinpoint exactly why I stopped. Growing up, I was very religious. Like a good Protestant, I would read the Bible on my own. I would pray to God almost daily. But then, by high school, I stopped. I didn't stop being religious, just stopped praying and reading the Bible. By college, I considered myself to be agnostic, borderline atheist.

I tried so hard to be religious growing up, but every time I went to church, I never felt anything. I would hear about people who had these spiritual happenings, who felt God's presence, or heard His words. I would just sit in church and try to sense God, but I never could. I felt nothing. It was really discouraging. And in the end, I thought maybe all this religious stuff wasn't for me. It didn't seem like anyone else had to try so hard. And it didn't help that when I read the Bible, I would come across verses that made me angry. I'm sure you already know such Bible verses. They're the ones that atheists like to quote to show how misogynistic and backwards the Bible is.

And then, one day, I just stopped. I never questioned my faith, so my faith should be strong, right? But it was a slow drain as I slowly stopped trying until in the end, I didn't believe anymore.

But that's not the end of the story.

Just like it was slow stopping of believing, it happened slowly in the other direction too. I slowly began to believe again. Again, I can't pinpoint exactly why I started believing again. I know that it did happen around the time that my husband's dad passed away. When we had the funeral in church, it was the first time I've been there since the mandatory Christmas and Easter services. But this time it was in a Catholic Church. Now, my mom and mom's side of the family was all Catholic and I've been to Catholic masses before. Which I hated even worse than Protestant services because somehow everyone knew what to do and say except me and I was never allowed to take Communion because I wasn't Catholic. It made me feel more like an outsider than I normally felt. But after my husband's dad died, he wanted to start going back to church more. I agreed, understanding it was his way of grieving, and I didn't really mind anyhow, even though I never understood the whole Mass thing.

The thing is, I never really hated God. I mean, I might have gotten angry at Him once in a while (like, "How could you let this horrible thing happen?" kind of way) but I never hated Him. The whole reason I leaned towards agnostic was because I thought there is more out there than I know, but I just don't know what it is.

And I did work (and continue to this day) in a Catholic school. Not by choice. I mean, no one held a gun to my head and said I had to work there, but I couldn't find a job anywhere else, and after three years of subbing, I decided to finally give in and try teaching in a Catholic school.

Maybe these were all influences that slowly developed my faith again without me really being aware of it. Maybe this is why they say that God works in mysterious ways.

But as I began to be surrounded by Catholics, at home and at work, I began asking questions. I mean, I just didn't understand a lot of Catholic stuff. I wasn't being mean; I just wanted to know why they did the things they did. What's with all the sitting and standing? Why do you pray to saints? What are Holy Days? Why do you pray the Rosary? What's the Trinity? What's Advent? The more questions I asked, the more I realized how much I didn't know. But the more I understood, the more I could appreciate, even if I couldn't completely wrap my head around it (I get the whole saints thing, but it still feels weird to me).

Even though I was beginning to be more receptive to this whole Catholic thing, I still wasn't sure about it. As I understood more, I didn't mind going to Mass anymore, except at Communion time when I had to step aside to let everyone out of the pew and I had to stay there like an outsider. But the rest of the time, I was okay with.

When we decided to baptize our daughter, I knew it was time to officially join our church. That fall, I signed up for RCIA. I was nervous about it because I didn't know anyone and wasn't sure what it would entail. However, the priest put me at ease right away when he said to please ask questions about anything you didn't understand. Each session was an exploration of different aspects of Catholic faith, and we all had an opportunity to discuss and ask questions. It was quite a different experience than those that I had growing up.

By learning, discussing, and (God forbid) asking questions, I felt my faith grow stronger each time I went to RCIA. By the time it was Easter, I was ready to be confirmed.

So I guess the moral of the story is that you should question God. You should question your faith. Because God will answer.