Writing Prompt Wednesday! Life hacks gone wrong

So I was browsing Imgur like I always do and I came across yet another life hack dump. You know what life hacks are. They are little tips for solving inconveniences in an odd matter. Everyone reads them but never actually do any of them. Well, I've tried a few, but they never work as well as they promise. Let's just say never do the one where they say to put strawberries in the oven. They don't taste like candy. They taste like you put strawberries in the oven and left them in there too long. Gross.

So, I had an idea to write a story about someone taking life hacks too far. Every life hack I reference is a real one.

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The aroma of warm vanilla filled my lungs as soon as I entered the house.

"Ah! Smells great! Are you baking cookies?" I asked, turning to my neighbor Carol.

Her over-sized earrings jingled as she shook her head. "No, I read somewhere that you just take a capful of vanilla extract and put it in the oven, nice and low. Smells heavenly, doesn't it?"

"Definitely," I agreed. Then I felt a horrible tinkle in my throat and started coughing again. 

"Oh, honey, I hope that vanilla smell isn't irritating your throat. Here, let me get that pineapple juice. It will do wonders for your cough," Carol said in worried tone, waving her wrinkled hand toward the kitchen.

"Really, it's not a big deal," I politely protested but followed her anyway.

As we entered the kitchen, I noticed little bowls of liquid scattered on the counter top.

She noticed me looking and replied to my unasked question. "I have a problem with fruit flies. I don't know where they keep coming from! Having apple cider vinegar with some dish soap helps." She leaned into her refrigerator, shuffling items and looking about.

"Oh, my! I think I'm clean out of pineapple juice! The other day I had a bad cough myself. That's how I found out about that neat trick! It really works!" She exclaimed at the fridge as she slammed the door shut.

As she continued to chatter, my eyes started to flicker to other oddities around the house. There were teabags in shoes, tennis balls on the bottoms of chairs, sponges in the microwave, and even white powder sprinkled intently on the rugs. I have a very eccentric neighbor, I chuckled quietly to myself.

A dark shape emerged in my peripheral vision.

"Mittens!" Carol exclaimed, walking toward the black cat with open arms. "You have been getting into the trash again, I see!"

The cat looked her unblinking yellow eyes with an abnormally large bone dangling from her mouth. "Give me that!" Carol snatched the bone rather hastily and quickly threw it in the garbage bin.

Feeling the tickle again, I coughed harshly. Surprised by the noise, the cat scampered away.

Carol shook her head. "That cat is something else. Gets into everything. But it's nice to have the company."

"Oh, you live by yourself?" 

"Yes, ever since my husband Bert passed away," Carol sighed. "Oh, I know, I have fresh pineapple! I will just cut some up for you! I'm sure that's even better for you anyway."

"I'm sorry to hear that," I replied, not sure what else to say.

She shrugged it off. "Why don't you have some water while I cut this up? You got that nasty cough. Ice cubes in the freezer, if you want." She started getting out the knife from the drawer.

Relieved to do something instead of standing there awkwardly, I eagerly went to the freezer to pull out the trays. As I did so, an envelope fell to the floor. 

"You keep your mail in your freezer?" I quizzically looked at her.

"Oh, yes. Much easier to open," she replied as she started to chop up the pineapple. "Darn! This knife is dull."

As she shuffled about the kitchen, I looked back at the freezer. Mail of all sizes was stuffed in between cartons of ice cream and packages of meat. I went to returned the fallen envelope its frozen home when I noticed the address. It wasn't addressed to her.

Pausing mid action, I looked back at my neighbor. She was madly sharpening her knife using an upside down ceramic bowl. She smiled at me, her white teeth gleaming against her bright red lipstick.

"It's a neat trick! It really works!" She repeated her earlier sentiment.

"Oh, okay," I replied cautiously and carefully closed the freezer. I began slowly moving towards the end of the kitchen, toward the front door. 

She now continued cutting up the pineapple.

"Hey, do you know how to get bloodstains out of clothes?" She asked. "I used ammonia, but it's not working."

At this question, my heart rate quickened. "Uh," I stammered. I was trying to think of a reason to leave.

"It's been dry in the house and I get nosebleeds alot."

My eyes focused in on white cabinets that had suspicious red splatters on them.

Right, nosebleeds, I thought sarcastically.

Clearing my throat, I said, "Thank you so much for your help. But I have an appointment I have to get to."

"But the pineapple! Here, take it with you!" She held out the bowl towards me.

I took it apprehensively, vowing that I would never eat this pineapple or any other pineapple ever again.

"Th-thank you! But I gotta go now!" I moved quickly to the front door.

The front door closed loudly.

Carol sighed and looked down at her cat. "I think we scared her off, Mittens. I don't know why I have such a hard time making friends."

Carol took the remaining pineapple into the living room and sat down on the couch. "Well, let's just watch some TV. Your favorite show is on, Bert."

She lovingly patted her dead husband's hand.